True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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