i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
