Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
