uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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