She said her name was "party"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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