ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
