I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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