apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
