Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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