Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
