I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
