im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
