I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
