I think I am morally bankrupt
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
