I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
