sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
