he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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