Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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