I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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