I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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