There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
