The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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