whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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