She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
