Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Let's get the cat blown out
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
