I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
