SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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