now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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