haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
