I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
