why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
