turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
