Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
