Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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