3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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