The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
