he shaved USA in his pubs
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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