Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
