I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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