Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
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I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
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Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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