i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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