i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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