Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
