I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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