my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
