Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Randomize
