the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Randomize
