she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
