Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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