I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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