..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
