Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
