there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
