i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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