I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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