why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
