That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
