Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
