Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
