I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
