How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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