I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
