After last night, I could never be a politician.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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