bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
