Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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