there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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