I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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